The 6-step guide to a perfect apology : How to express regret without coming off as "sorry but not sorry"

The 6-step guide to a perfect apology

How to express regret without coming off as "sorry but not sorry"

According to recent news reports, Canadian PM Justin Trudeau will soon issue an apology for a 102-year-old incident where the country turned away a ship of 300 Indians who had sai led ashore looking for a better life.

Trudeau's intention has b e en wel l-r e c eive d by many. After all, nothing like a heartfelt apology to right a historic wrong.

However, the success of a mea culpa is about ex ecution. Roy Lewicki, professor emeritus of management and human resources at the Ohio State University's Fisher Col lege of Busi ness, published a research this month, which found that there are six basic elements of an effective apol ogy. The more points you hit, the more likely it is that your apology will be accepted. Here are the six features, in order of importance: 

Acknowledgement of responsibility 

This means admitting that something was your fault and taking ownership over the mistake. This is in di rect opposition to the notorious “mistakes wer e m ade“ non apology apology, popular a mon g politi cians and others looking to shirk legal obligation. Think back to the FIFA corruption scandal or the Lance Armstrong doping controversy, where the apologies came across as insincere. The “sorry but not sorry“ approach communicates to the listener that a problem occurred, but the `apologiser' doesn't know who did it, if there are any consequences, or how serious it is. 

Offer of repair 

This is when people promise to correct the mistake they made by explaining what they're going to do to fix things. A good example of this is Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, who initiated a companywide policy change after making some regrettable comments about why women did not receive raises. 

Expression of regret 

This is the actual apology, when you get to say “I'm sorry.“ Lewicki found that this was only the thirdmost important thing you should say when apologising to someone. 

Explanation of what went wrong 

It's tough to not let this part veer off into excuses. The value of trying is that it provides an explanation that the wronged party can understand and empathise with.However, there are at least two different kinds of explanations.

The first explanation is one of competence: Was the wrongdo ing an honest mistake, something that was overlooked accidentally or something that wasn't properly considered? Or was the wrongdoing a violation of integrity that reflects on the apologiser's character? In other words, was it accidental or on purpose? 

Declaration of repentance 

Lewicki says that this is an opportunity to promise that you won't let the mistake happen again.

Request for forgiveness 

This is the least important element of an apology according to Lewicki's survey research. All six elements will depend on the situation, but Lewicki suspects that this element in particular could depend most on context. Are the aggressor and wronged party trying to re-build a relationship? Or is the apology about a business transaction gone wrong, and thus isn't as emotion ally charged? These con textual clues could deter mine whether or not a request for for giveness is truly needed.

You don't have to hit all six of these for the apolog y to work, says Lewicki, but the most i mpor t a nt are the first two. Elements three to five are of equal weight, and element six is the one you c a n sk ip a nd still achieve the desired effect of being forgiven. 

Source | Economic Times | 19 April 2016

Regards

Pralhad Jadhav

Senior Manager @ Library

Khaitan & Co

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