Think before you send that angry e-mail

How many times has it happened in our professional lives that we have become so frustrated – with work, bosses, colleagues – that we have been tempted to write an e-mail to HR or to the higher ups, to vent our anger?

Venting through email (or text, tweet or any other rapid-fire technology) may seem like a good idea. You immediately get the anger off your chest and don’t have to let it fester. But by taking the time to compose the message, you’re making yourself angrier — and the long-term effects can be surprisingly negative, say experts.

Anger researcher Ryan Martin Ph.D. has had his share of angry emails from disgruntled students. The messages are typically full of bolded words and vivid punctuation. Even if the student has a great point, the message often is lost in the angry presentation, he says.

Neglecting the message

“Part of the problem is that often it really ends up minimising whatever points you had in the first place,” says Martin, chair of the psychology department at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay. “They may actually have a good rationale for why they’re angry, but it’s kind of hard to see with all the explanation points and all the capitalised letters.”

Why we do it

“A lot of times when people have anger problems, it really is an impulsivity problem. They can’t control their anger reaction, and email brings out the worst in us,” Martin says. “It’s so quick and easy. You would have to wait until you saw a person or you had to call them. Those things take time and the anger would diffuse itself. With email, you can respond when you are most angry.”

The other reason is the element of social distance. It’s relatively painless to yell and be not so nice when you don’t see the person on the receiving end of your anger.

“The closer you are to someone, when you are looking them in the eye, the more likely you are to pull some punches a little bit,” says Martin. “With email, you can rant. They can’t stop you, they can’t walk away, they can’t cut you off. It’s very easy to just unload.”

But if you were to confront someone in person when you’re angry, you would take cues from their body language. If they looked upset or angry in return, you’d respond accordingly. They could interrupt you or just decide they weren’t going to listen to you anymore. Then the amazing rant you’d prepared wouldn’t happen or would get cut off midstream.

It feels good — at first

Martin has researched how and why people rant online, usually anonymously. “One of the things people say is that it makes them feel better. When people are angry, they want to take some control of a situation — get some revenge or retribution or win back the situation. And in sending an email, they feel like they’ve done something.”

But those feelings are typically short-lived. “When people are writing about a situation, they’re dwelling on it, they’re ruminating on it. And when people do that, it makes them angrier in the long term,” Martin says.

And, as the Wall Street Journal points out, an e-vent can do other damage, too.

“A bad vent can come back to hurt you. You could alienate friends or family, or get pegged as a whiner or someone with anger management issues. And because what happens on the Internet stays on the Internet forever, you could do lasting damage to your reputation.”

But before you hit ‘send’

Try these tips before you vent electronically.

Make an effort to talk to the person. Do it the old-fashioned way: in-person or on the phone. You’ll be less likely to be nasty and in the time it takes you to call or walk down the hall, your anger will have subsided a bit.

Write the email, but don’t send it. Give it time, then go back and re-read it when you’re not as livid. You may find that you want to change some of the wording — or maybe not send it at all.

Have someone read it. Find a trusted friend or colleague, who is removed from the situation, and ask for an honest opinion.

Source | Asian Age |20 August 2015