How to Listen with Compassion in the Classroom
--by Martha Caldwell, syndicated
from Greater Good, Feb 26, 2017
Our students are driven by a need to belong.
In classroom environments where the need to
belong is thwarted, however, young people may grasp for power and prestige
rather than learn how to form authentic connections. We all know students who
try to fit in in negative ways: bullying, striving to be “cool,” buying in to
peer pressure, or conforming to negative stereotypes. They typically lack the
necessary social-emotional skills to form healthy, supportive relationships and
do not understand that these behaviors obstruct rather than satisfy the need to
belong. This can produce a fear-based classroom atmosphere that impedes
learning.
We can intentionally design classroom
communities that challenge this dynamic by teaching and modeling compassionate
listening. When clear ground rules for respectful communication are established
from the outset, classrooms become safe places for students to share their
lives with each other and find support for their growth and development. When
students’ need to belong is met in the context of a healthy learning
environment, authentic inquiry and higher-order thinking naturally emerge.
How to cultivate compassionate listening in
the classroom
According to
Thich Nhat Hanh, deep, compassionate listening has only one purpose:
to help another person empty his or her heart. Even if a listener disagrees
with someone’s perspective, they can still listen attentively and with
compassion. The mere act of listening helps relieve the pain that often clouds
perception, and when people feel heard, validated, and understood, they are
better able to figure out solutions on their own. Deep listening and the
emotional resonance it creates calms the
nervous system and helps create a state of optimal
learning—open and receptive, trusting and calm, yet alert. This is the
neurological state we want to cultivate in our classrooms.
Daniel Siegel describes
this state as “feeling felt.” We’ve all experienced that sense of relief when
someone truly “gets” us. Research shows
that emotional resonance between young children and their caregivers results in
the creation of neural pathways in the prefrontal cortex of the brain (the seat
of higher-order functions). For adolescents, whose brains are more malleable
and receptive to their environments than they will ever be
again, creating resonant environments in the classroom may be especially
important.
For students to mirror each other’s felt
experience, they first need to share responsibility for creating a space where
everyone feels they belong. In my classroom, I ask, “What do you need to feel
safe with the people in this room?,” and students invariably generate a list of
relational qualities that embody compassion: acceptance, trust, respect, and
support. Because they are hungry for authentic connections, they readily agree
to create a learning community with these qualities as the foundation. The
appreciation they feel for having a place to share their deeper thoughts and
feelings is often palpable.
When my student Justin shared how closely he
monitors his behavior to avoid being stereotyped as “unmanly” or “weak,” other
boys in the classroom shared similar feelings. Their feedback helped Justin
realize he was not alone, but rather that his experience was part of a larger
sociological phenomenon that affects many young men. When Sabrina, a young
woman of color, described being followed by a clerk at the mall, she was
heartened to hear her classmates react with outrage and remind her that she
deserves better. Michael revealed the pain and isolation he felt after being
rejected by a friend, and hearing his classmates respond with support and
understanding allowed him “to open up and be more real.” He began the year
“closed off” from others, he said, but over time “learned to be more vulnerable
and accept [his] emotions.”
The seven principles below can make the
listening process more explicit and help students cultivate the compassionate
listening skills they need to build a strong learning community.
1. Be fully present. We bear witness to someone’s felt experience by giving them our complete and undivided attention. Paying full attention when someone is speaking creates safety and focus in the classroom. Compassionate listeners maintain complete silence and pay attention not only to words they hear, but also to facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice, noticing even the silences between words.
2. Know listening is enough. Listening with deep attention involves a calm, relaxed state of mind, free of the desire to “fix” someone or solve their problems for them. It does not involve giving advice or intervening in any way. If our minds are busy coming up with solutions for the speaker, we fail to truly listen.
3. Respond with acceptance. Deep listeners are motivated by the desire to understand how others feel and how their experiences have affected them. Their genuine interest and heartfelt concern make it safe for others to share their vulnerabilities because they sense that what they say will be received without judgement.
4. Understand conflict as part of real-life learning. A learning community in which people are encouraged to be honest and express how they feel involves a degree of risk. Conflict may arise. Sometimes this happens, and working through difficult feelings may take time. However, when we stay connected and stick with the process, conflict can be a catalyst for positive change. When conflict can be resolved, relationships often become stronger.
5. Ask authentic questions to learn more. By asking open-ended questions like “What was that like for you?,” “Can you tell me more about that?,” or “What were you experiencing?,” compassionate listeners guide speakers to share more deeply. These questions are motivated by the desire to honestly learn more (as opposed to reinforcing preconceived notions). If they think they may not have understood something, listeners can repeat back what they think they heard and ask for clarification. “Did I hear that right?”
1. Be fully present. We bear witness to someone’s felt experience by giving them our complete and undivided attention. Paying full attention when someone is speaking creates safety and focus in the classroom. Compassionate listeners maintain complete silence and pay attention not only to words they hear, but also to facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice, noticing even the silences between words.
2. Know listening is enough. Listening with deep attention involves a calm, relaxed state of mind, free of the desire to “fix” someone or solve their problems for them. It does not involve giving advice or intervening in any way. If our minds are busy coming up with solutions for the speaker, we fail to truly listen.
3. Respond with acceptance. Deep listeners are motivated by the desire to understand how others feel and how their experiences have affected them. Their genuine interest and heartfelt concern make it safe for others to share their vulnerabilities because they sense that what they say will be received without judgement.
4. Understand conflict as part of real-life learning. A learning community in which people are encouraged to be honest and express how they feel involves a degree of risk. Conflict may arise. Sometimes this happens, and working through difficult feelings may take time. However, when we stay connected and stick with the process, conflict can be a catalyst for positive change. When conflict can be resolved, relationships often become stronger.
5. Ask authentic questions to learn more. By asking open-ended questions like “What was that like for you?,” “Can you tell me more about that?,” or “What were you experiencing?,” compassionate listeners guide speakers to share more deeply. These questions are motivated by the desire to honestly learn more (as opposed to reinforcing preconceived notions). If they think they may not have understood something, listeners can repeat back what they think they heard and ask for clarification. “Did I hear that right?”
6. Be gentle with yourself. Deep
listening involves compassion for yourself as well as for others. Accept
yourself and your internal feeling responses without judgement. Allow yourself
time to process and learn.
7. Treat the candidness of others as a gift. Honor
the trust others have placed in you and keep what you hear confidential.
Compassionate listening skills can be taught
as tertiary units in advisory groups, or in mindfulness, conflict resolution,
or anti-bullying courses. Many teachers, however, embed them in their regular
instruction. My colleague José’s first graders learn social-emotional
relationship skills in daily meetings. They generate “rules of respect” for
their classroom, and José says these norms “make the meaning of empathy
explicit.”
When students share personal stories in the
classroom, teachers help them make connections to the larger world they live
in—stories in history, literature, politics, and other academic disciplines.
Baltimore teacher Jasmin’s seventh graders share their encounters with bullying
and relate their experiences to characters they are reading about in
literature. Atlanta teacher Caroline’s high school students explore their
feelings about themselves as math learners. They discuss the role race and
gender identity may play in the math achievement gap. These connections help
them consolidate their insights and expand their worldviews.
As Anna, an eighth-grader, observed, the
stories her classmates tell “link directly to the way humans have been acting
for ages and become an exploration of the human condition, or at least the
teenage condition. It’s almost like reading a book, except the main character
is one of my classmates.”
Scaffolding reflective and interpersonal
experiences with academic material helps students learn systems thinking and
self-directed learning. Guided by their own questions, which arise out of
classroom sharing and compassionate listening, students become inspired to
learn.
Young people need to learn how to create
inclusive social spaces in which everyone feels a sense of belonging. Such
resonant environments not only foster respect and acceptance; they integrate emotional
and cognitive processes, enabling young people to think more clearly. Learning
compassionate listening skills will serve them well for the rest of their
lives.
Link | http://www.dailygood.org/story/1525/how-to-listen-with-compassion-in-the-classroom-martha-caldwell/
Regards
Pralhad
Jadhav
Senior
Manager @ Library
Khaitan & Co
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