We need to talk
How
to sail through difficult conversations—from asking for a promotion to handing
the pink slip to an employee
Anybody who ever built an empire, or
changed the world, sat where you are now. And it’s because they sat
there that they were able to do it,” says Ryan Bingham (George Clooney) in Up
In The Air while firing an employee. The actor plays the role of a
“career-transition” counsellor in the 2009 film—he fires employees for
corporate bosses who lack the courage to do it themselves. Sure, he displays a
degree of sensitivity and empathy while handing the slip, but he is still the
guy who’s doing the firing.
It’s unlikely that anyone can make it
through their working lives without needing to have a difficult
conversation—whether it’s expressing dissatisfaction over the annual increment,
asking the boss for leave when most of the team is absent, informing the line
manager when your project is exceeding the budget, or telling a colleague that
his attitude towards work or otherwise bothers you. The need to have such
conversations can crop up often, and each can be unsettling.
According
to a 2015 survey by Chartered Management Institute, a London-based professional
body, people find it easier to end a relationship than ask their boss for a pay
rise. Two-thirds of the 2,000 workers surveyed across hierarchies said they
were stressed if they knew a difficult work-related conversation was coming,
while 11% suffered from poor sleep in the build-up to one; another 55% said
they would do anything to avoid such a chat. There’s more: 43% of senior
managers admitted to losing their temper during a difficult conversation, while
40% admitted to panicking and telling a lie.
What
makes a difficult conversation difficult? Of course, there are emotions and
stakes involved, but more than anything else, it can be a question of differing
viewpoints.
“A
difficult conversation is one in which the other person has a viewpoint that
differs from yours...,” says Difficult Conversations, a guidebook by the
Harvard Business Review Press that aims to help people develop the skills to
turn a tricky dialogue into a productive one. As it puts it: “Each of us has
our own understanding of the facts. Our view is based on what we’ve experienced
and observed from our own unique, and limited, perspective.”
If
you understand what makes a conversation difficult, discover what’s at the
heart of the problem, listen and respond empathetically, manage the emotions
involved and frame your dialogue accordingly, you can become a pro at defusing
tense situations, irrespective of your position in the office.
Reflect before speaking
Difficult
conversations are definitely tricky terrain, so tricky that most people would
rather continue to put up with the problem than confront it. But what if your
colleague’s behaviour is making it hard for you to meet deadlines? The key lies
in knowing your goals and focusing on them, suggests S. Ramnarayan, clinical
professor (organizational behaviour) at the Indian School of Business in
Hyderabad. “There are ample distractions at the workplace. You must know what
the big battles are. Don’t waste energy on trivial issues,” he says.
The
guidebook suggests that you ask yourself some essential questions: “Does my
short- or long-term success rely on addressing this problem? How important is
it, to me and to the organization, to improve the relationship or the
situation? Is the issue affecting my ability to concentrate?”
Self-reflection
gives you perspective, says Ashley Chiampo, learning director and chairperson
of the Examination Board, which develops examination and assessment procedures,
at the Emeritus Institute of Management in Singapore. “Whenever we meet a
situation or person who bothers us, there is an opportunity to learn. ‘What is
my colleague doing that I’m not doing?’; ‘Is he more efficient with his time?’;
‘Does he market himself well?’ Do some self-analysis to understand what you can
learn from the other person.”
Once
you’ve decided that the conversation is needed, understand that a greater part
of the battle would already have been won when you stop considering it to be
“difficult”. A change in mindset is extremely important, says R. Anand, global
head (people practices) at software company HCL Technologies. “A difficult conversation
goes well when you think of it as a normal conversation happening for the
betterment of your work/project,” he explains.
Building
strong relationships in normal times is always a good idea, suggests
Prof. Ramnarayan. “This makes it easier for you to be effective at the time of
handling difficult conversations because of the rapport you already share with
your colleagues.”
Be clear, be happy
Needless
to say, conversations should always be open and transparent. They ensure there
are no year-end shocks, says Suvamoy Roy, director (human resources) at telecom
firm Vodafone India. When it comes to employees, it’s important to communicate
your thoughts and feelings so that your company can understand your needs, adds
Chiampo.
This
holds true even in small, albeit important, matters, like asking for leave. If
you have a crippling backache or some mishap occurs, you would not be sitting
in office. “In those situations, you don’t negotiate with your boss, you just
go,” says Chiampo. “However, there may be times when you want to take time off
for personal reasons.”
These
situations are more flexible. “In such cases (when your presence is absolutely
necessary), you should complete your assignments and then take leave. And
remember to remind your boss and teammates of the sacrifice you made in this
period (of rescheduling your leave),” she adds.
There’s
absolutely nothing wrong in being open and clear about your thoughts and
emotions at the workplace, but that doesn’t mean you should be too candid, says
Prof. Ramnarayan. “There is an invisible code that needs to be followed to
ensure utmost decorum in the office,” he says.
Chiampo,
on the other hand, believes that all offices should promote an open culture,
where people can speak openly without fear of retribution. “You need to gauge
the other person’s appetite for candour. Are they strong/courageous/mature
enough to have an open conversation with you? Do be mindful of the other
person’s approach.”
Keep it flexible
It’s
a good idea to try a mock conversation with a family member or another unbiased
party to imagine and verbalize both sides of a hypothetical discussion,
suggests the guidebook. “But that doesn’t mean you script the conversation,”
says Anand. “Instead, have a flexible tone that answers the questions in a
clear, simple, direct and neutral manner.”
A
conversation is a free flow of words, thoughts and emotions, it can’t be
staged, points out Prof. Ramnarayan. “Learn to suspend judgement and listen
with an open mind. We often listen with the intent to reply, not to understand.
It takes two sides to have a dialogue,” he says, adding: “There are emotions
involved and, often, these are not expressed (during a difficult conversation).
That’s why emotional intelligence and mindfulness are also very important.”
Anand
agrees: “Be open to listening to your counterpart’s perspective. It will show
your counterpart that you care.”
Time it right
Before
initiating the conversation, understand the importance of timing. For instance,
it’s quite common for people unhappy with their annual appraisal to go
immediately to their reporting manager. “When you first get the news about your
increment, you are understandably going to be a bit emotional. You may be
angry, depressed, or feel injustice. But this is not the time to go talk to
your boss,” says Chiampo. Give yourself a couple of days to absorb the
information and then schedule a meeting, she suggests. “At this point, you’ll
be in a calmer state to share your thoughts rationally and hear your boss’
point of view. And when you can dialogue better, you might just gain some
valuable feedback about yourself.”
But
when and how does one go about telling the boss that you are finding it
difficult to communicate, or get along, with him? The first step is to start
communicating, suggests Prof. Ramnarayan. “You can start by proactively setting
aside some time with him/her to better understand their expectations. Ask, ‘How
would you define really good performance?’; ‘What do you want me to do differently?’
Give yourself a few days to reflect and formulate a plan that will address the
discussed points. Then go back and ask for his/her support to carry out the
plan. They’ll be impressed that you are taking charge of your development,”
says Chiampo.
Reflect after speaking
Congratulations!
You’ve sailed through the difficult conversation. But before you relax, there’s
one more thing you have to do—analyse the interaction. “Try to remember as many
specifics as you can. Write down your impressions, starting with what gestures
or exchanges you remember most vividly. Doing so will keep you moving toward
solutions to the issue you’re facing and avoid going over the same ground
during future encounters,” suggests the guidebook. It is worthwhile to look
back and understand what went well and what didn’t, what could have been said
differently, and how others successfully cope with these situations, and
emulate their tactics, says Anand.
Never
avoid a conversation just because it is hard, says Prof. Ramnarayan. “You will
not only save yourself from an issue turning ugly, but will also emerge as a
better communicator and, above all, a better person.”
Source | Mint – The Wall Street Journal | 18 July 2016
Regards
Pralhad
Jadhav
Senior
Manager @ Library
Khaitan
& Co
Best
Paper Award | Received the Best Paper Award at TIFR-BOSLA National Conference on
Future Librarianship: Innovation for Excellence (NCFL 2016) on April 23,
2016. The title of the paper is “Removing
Barriers to Literacy: Marrakesh VIP Treaty”
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